That Big Breakdown…or Breakthrough? Part 1

It felt like it came out of nowhere. But we all know it didn’t. It creeps up while you think you’re doing your best to just survive. It won’t be this way for much longer, you keep telling yourself while the burnout builds. The program will eventually be set up correctly, the care will be algorithmic, the kids will grow up, need me less, get sick less and sleep through the night. Maybe I could just make time for a quick bubble bath or a massage and that would save me. Or at least survive another week. I’m not the only one going through all this.

All it took was one more disagreement with administration about patient care and I found myself sitting in the CMO’s office fighting back the tears that were hemorrhaging out anyway. I was absolutely burnt out. Was I admitting that this just was not doable anymore? Maybe I wasn’t the right one for this position that I had dreamed about and worked towards for years?Quickly after, I stepped down as medical director. It felt like a failure and a relief all at once. Why did failure feel like a relief? It did, though. For the first time in my life, failure felt like a huge relief! After sending that resignation email in, my next breath was the first full breath I had taken in a really long time. I could feel the breath filling up my body and exhaling for what felt like forever. And I let that relief really sink in. It came mixed in with so many other emotions. I couldn’t describe it even if I tried.   

I cried maybe 20 times that day.  But as I slowly told my colleagues at the hospital, all I received were supportive comments. Beyond supportive. I decided to write down all the things people said to me that day, and it filled up pages of my notebook. I still look back on it when I need a little nudge that I’m doing the right thing.

It only took a few days after that to feel the change in my own home. The kids felt more at peace, our home felt more comforting and inviting, and I realized that this was just the start of it all. I was going to try something new. I was going to work on myself with the same passion I put into work and I haven’t finished yet but damn, it is quite the journey…