It’s so easy in your 30s to feel like you’ve lost yourself. The “climax” of reaching my career goals were a lot more anti-climactic than I used to envision. The stress of administrative pressures, the fear of making mistakes as a young surgeon, building trust amidst your new team as the new attending.  Then I added in parenting, which was way more exhausting than I was ever warned. I felt like I was living life at 100 miles an hour, and it was so easy to forget taking care of myself in the process. The hardest part of learning to take care of myself was that I didn’t even know what I needed. What was going to help me feel better? What would help me feel like I wasn’t running after a million things at a time and barely making it? My every day was filled with anxiety rather than satisfaction.

When I started to really consider quitting my job, I didn’t know what I was going to do instead. Did I want to continue doing burn? Did I want to start a passion project? I didn’t even know what I enjoyed doing anymore. Did I ever have hobbies? I’m pretty sure I did…but for the longest time, they had become revolved around things that gave me major dopamine releases – eating, drinking, and shopping. Nothing that actually helped nourish me or gave me any lasting satisfaction. But at that moment in my life, it’s all I knew to help me survive the days.

It was really overwhelming at first. I questioned whether I ever even wanted to be a physician. It felt like a storm of thoughts trying to figure out who I was and what I enjoyed doing. My worth and identity had been tied to my performance and achievements for so long, that I lost my individuality.

It required looking back and getting my mind a lot clearer. I remembered how much I loved reading for fun so I finally started going through the collection of fiction books I had ignored. I started a workout regimen that finally gave me a mind-body connection and also, confidence. I started going for meditative walks, which I found really helped calm my mind so I could think more clearly. Going back and discovering all of the things I loved doing was such a big step towards my self-discovery. I started gaining confidence, and I felt clearer about which goals were still important to me, and which goals no longer mattered. My values and priorities were much easier for me to define, and so were my strengths and weaknesses. My flaws didn’t seem to be such a black cloud anymore. I started appreciating them as opportunities to slowly improve myself and my habits.

My journey of self-discovery is helping me live life the way I want because I better understand what it is that I want. I am no longer defining myself by my failures or achievements. It’s an ongoing process, but it’s changed so much for me, all for the better.