I took an 8 week break from all clinical responsibility. I knew I was really lucky to have been given that time. I had to use this gift to figure out what was going on with me. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to figure out, but I needed to explore it. I went out and bought at least 10 self-help “wellness” books immediately. I bought ashwagandha supplements and bath soaks and lavender sprays. Is this what “wellness” was? Were a bunch of supplements and fragrances going to fix everything?

I thought back and it hit me, oh my god! This is how I have been feeling since middle school! Trying so hard to get to that next big achievement otherwise my life would be a total failure.  I had to get into the special program in high school so that I could get into a top 10 college so that I could get into a good medical school so that I could get into a great residency so that I could get into a competitive fellowship. But I did all that, and yet, here I am, still feeling like I cannot relax. This job as an attending surgeon in an administrative leadership position, the peak ascent after working in a high-anxiety, high stakes environment for 20 years, did not feel like I thought it would.

The reality was that at that point in my life, I had an infant at home. I went back to work at 10 weeks postpartum and never stopped. I was supposed to be working shorter days to help myself get acclimated back to working mom-of-two life. Not to mention, spend time with my new baby, which tends to be an afterthought in the medical field. Instead, I was working until 9 pm more days out of the week than not.

Cutting back didn’t seem to be an option. That would be another failure. And failure would mean…I’m not sure exactly what it would mean. Why didn’t I know what that would mean if that’s been the one thing I’ve been afraid of my entire life?!

I started delving into books written by other physicians at first. I found online wellness communities with other high-achieving women and joined them. I learned I was FAR from alone in feeling this way. I didn’t see them as failures. I saw examples of strong women reclaiming their control. The ultimate opposite, to me at least, of a failure. I signed up for a physician coach who really helped teach me the power of self-compassion, reframing my thoughts and figuring out how to clarify my needs. I started journaling and using prompts to explore more of my mind. I started a workout regimen and slowly brought in more healthy foods into my diet. In a nutshell, I started focusing on what I truly required to live a balanced life. I had to stop caring about what other people might expect of me and how I might be perceived. Which, let me tell you, as a first-generation Indian American female, is nothing short of a FEAT.

Sometimes it feels like the world forces you to take on so much at once. You deserve to figure out what YOU want out of this life. You can make all your dreams come true, but you may realize that one day, your dreams are actually far different than what they were the last 5,10, 20 years of your life.

I feel far from complete in this journey. But I am still so passionate about working on myself. And that makes me really happy. And satisfied.