Validation is a funny thing. Logically, most of us know we cannot control anybody but ourselves. We can control our emotions, our thoughts and, at best, our environment. You know this. I know this. So then why do we struggle so much with the desire for validation? What do we gain from that? Why can someone else’s thoughts about us, especially if they’re negative, take over so much of our thoughts? And they do. Seeking validation, “the desire to have someone else’s approval or agreement with what you say” is associated with higher anxiety, less satisfaction, less self-worth and in turn, higher rates of burnout.

For most of us, our lives have been dependent on validation. Our CVs or resumes, a little written package describing ourselves, were sent to colleges, graduate schools, then job prospects. Every application we had to fill out, whether for a job or graduate school or loan, depended on another person’s perception of our ability to succeed at a certain task. Our success was based on someone else’s approval. Society has basically driven us to require validation as a means to succeed in life. (I’m not even taking into account cultural and gender-based forces on top of all this.) It’s no surprise self-validation feels so unnatural for most of us.

I recently met with my physician coach, Dr. Amy Vertrees (a brilliant author and founder of Boss Business of Surgery Series). I explained to her how I still had recurrent petty thoughts of needing to prove to my last boss that he was wrong about me. Once I could prove to him that I was right with my grand success, I would feel better. Amy asked me what it was exactly I visualized to succeed at that goal. I drew up some silly scenario of him showing up at a workshop I was giving to somehow prove I was successful and that I was right about me.

Wait. I was right about me all along. But, who did I make the protagonist in that story? That vision of him as “the villain” made him way too much of a key player in my story. I didn’t want him taking up space in my story anymore. I also didn’t need his validation if I knew he was wrong about me. Because I knew I was right about me. My primary goals were not built around him or with him in my mind. He was going to stay in the role of a random dude that thoughtlessly decided he didn’t like me.

By quitting my job, starting my passion project and taking control over my work schedule, I took back control of my life. I changed my circumstances as much as I could and put myself back in the protagonist’s role. I feel a new ease and I’m much more confident after making tough decisions. I know I’m on the right path for me.

No matter who was wrong about me or who may still be wrong about me, I know I’m right about me.

-Neha